“The human race has only one really effective weapon and that is laughter” – Mark Twain.
Cannibalistic Practices Amongst Politicians Linked to Development and Spread of Mad Political Disease
Many years ago Will Rogers made the observation that “The difference between a Republican and a Democrat is that the Democrat is a cannibal – they have to live off each other – while the Republicans, why, they live off the Democrats”. As both political parties were noted to be living off other politicians the lack of scientific enquiry into this observation is troubling. Living off one’s own kind, cannibalistic practice, is known to both cause and spread disease. An example in recent history is the cannibalism we forced upon cattle in the form of tainted feed that contributed to the development and dissemination of the condition commonly known as Mad Cow Disease.
After several months of careful observation and study I have postulated the existence of a heretofore unrecognized disorder and have named it Mad Political Disease (MPD). Although clearly a different entity than Mad Cow Disease, the two do share some striking similarities. Both have been linked to cannibalistic practices, both affect the brain, both result in behavioral abnormalities, both cause frothing about the mouth, and both infect the general population.
Behavior in both political parties on Capital Hill has been strongly suggestive of an underlying condition. For example, some Republicans have developed bizarre doubts about the legitimacy of Hawaii’s statehood and others have frantically waved stimulus legislation in the air while ranting about a politician’s mouse. The Democrats, on the other hand, have demonstrated an almost incapacitating inability to agree amongst themselves that has left them largely dysfunctional. This latter observation appears to be a long-standing symptom as Will Rogers also noted, prior to scientific enquiry, that “Democrats never agree on anything, that’s why they are Democrats. If they agreed with each other, they would be Republicans”.
MPD has been shown to be communicable and symptoms are clearly evident in the general population. Those who have ingested the Republican feed have developed aggressive behavior such as shouting in public forums, signs of cognitive dysfunction such as interrelating the Second Amendment with Health Care Reform, and suffer hallucinations including visualizing president Obama as Adolf Hitler and elected Democrats as Nazis. Those who have ingested the Democrat feed have developed a deep sense of despondency, a feeling that they will be unable to achieve goals, and scientific polling shows that they are less likely than Republicans to attend events that might help them.
An alarming finding of this research has been the rapid intensification of MPD in recent times. Just as the administration of a steroid can worsen an infection, it is apparent that a class of airborne agents known as ‘media’ has exacerbated MPD symptoms. The first of these agents has been named Communicatus conservatatii. Major strains have evolved and are identified as ‘O’Reilly’, ‘Hannity’ and ‘Beck’ and numerous minor strains also exist. Exposure to these agents in those who have ingested the Republican feed resulted in a synergistic effect that intensified the illness. At the same time exposure to these agents in those who ingested the Democrat feed produced symptoms of agitated behavior and anger. An older but particularly virulent strain (perhaps a progenitor of C. conservatatii) known as ‘Limbaugh’ has shown a striking ability to produce bizarre expressions of patriotism or gnashing of teeth depending on the population exposed.
Another set of agents appears to be an evolutionary countermeasure to the first and these have been named Communicatus liberalii. As with the first, major strains (‘Olbermann’, ‘Maddow’ and ‘Ed’) and numerous minor strains have been identified. These agents induce similar, but opposite, effects to those of C. conservatatii. However, rather than off-setting each other, the combination of both species has served to further exacerbate and entrench symptoms. It is postulated that if C. conservatatii could be eradicated that C. liberalii would cease to exist as its food supply would be depleted.
The author concludes that the evidence supporting the existence of Mad Political Disease is irrefutable. It is strongly recommended that the practices that have both caused and disseminated this illness be contained as it constitutes a significant national and public health risk. Additionally, it is recommended that appropriate warnings be issued that exposure to the species of media discussed in this paper could result in a worsening of the condition.